I can't win this battle

time out:

I'm going to be honest and vulnerable in this space tonight and it probably won't flow in a nice, neat manner, but sometimes life is like that

I am struggling

my heart is tired and bruised and weary

grief-the hard thing you don't ever "get over", but you learn to live with, has been sitting like an elephant in my chest again, has come out of the shadows swinging a big old club in every direction and is making contact with tender spots

invading dreams that haunt, then taunt me

introducing thoughts that run wild

magnifying wishes and "what if's" and "what might have beens" 

my heart is missing things that were never mine...but I assumed would be

the ugly cry has leaked out of my eyes and my nose more than once today

my soccer teams lost games tonight that they expected to win

my heart hurts for them

and for friends who have lost loved ones

and for those I love who are facing health issues

and for my family and friends who are in hard relationships

and for......so many things people are dealing with

I keep running to Jesus

but the hurt is still there

I trust Him to give me what I need, when I need it

but I am in a place where what I want is trying to drown that trust

there is no good reason for this

it is not an "anniversary" date

it is not a holiday season

it's just a random hard season

I am struggling, but I am 99% sure I am not the only only struggling

dear one, if you are struggling too I hope you are encouraged by this simple truth:

you are not the only one wrestling with things that make no sense

at least 50% of the people I know are struggling with something-and the other half are just coming out of or are unknowingly getting ready to enter into a struggle

in light of that truth,

let's try to be a little extra patient

and kind

and compassionate

and tender

with others

and with ourselves

a friend posted this tonight and it is spot on for the spot I am in:

2 Chronicles 20 was a good read for me tonight after writing, before posting. 

This enemy is too vast for me to face and fight on my own so I will wait on the Lord, stand firm in Him and watch Him fight the battles only He can win.