choosing life

Yesterday was a day of rest.

I could feel it in my body, my mind, my spirit.

Today, 

for the most part

I felt like I was slogging through quicksand.

I find myself wavering between

denial that this is real

and stark acknowledgment that it is.

Yesterday Deborah helped me go through the clothes in my closet.

There were things that I could not wear 

because they no longer fit properly,

things that were outdated,

maybe even some things I never should have worn,

and things that held emotional attachments that made them unwearable.

When we were done Deborah asked about making my bed for me.

(I had told the girls, 

through tears a couple of weeks ago,

that I could not make my bed.)

She thought the bedding had already been washed once

and that I simply still could not bring myself to make it.

It hadn't been washed.

It needed to be washed.

So she stripped the sheets and blankets,

washed them and remade the bed.

I avoided the room all day.

I dreaded going to bed.

We stayed up until 3:00 AM.

When I went to the room I was relieved-

she had put the pillows one in front of the other instead of side by side,

and that small change made getting into bed possible.

This morning I made my bed. 

With one pillow in front of the other.

One more concession that life is different now.

One more acknowledgment that life will go on

-and I have a choice to make-

find a way to live in and enjoy this new life

grieving as I need to,

making changes as I need to,

or
focus on my loss and pain and death

and risk getting swallowed up by sadness.

I choose life.

I choose to remember:

that I am not the only one hurting.

that death, for the Christian,

is simply the doorway to true life.

Yes, it stinks for those of us left behind,

but oh the glory and rest for those who have passed on!

1 Corinthians 15:55-57

“ 'O death, where is your victory,

O death, where is your sting?'

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 

But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."