conflicted

It was a beautiful afternoon to watch football-
I am surprised I didn't see at least one rainbow,
because the sun was out,
and the "rain" was abundant-
tears fell,
on and off,
on and off.

My heart is full-
of thankfulness
of hurt
of praise
of loss
of comfort
of confusion.

It was good to see three of my boys
two coaching at KCU, one a county deputy.
It was hard to see my boys,
Bill was so proud of them.

It was good to sit with Miss Wanda.
It was good to see out of town friends.
It was hard to be receiving hugs of comfort
rather than "I've missed you" hugs.

It was good to watch our football team get a win
It was hard to leave,
knowing how much fun Bill and Andrew would have had
discussing the win over dinner this evening.

It was good to walk to and from the car.
It was hard to realize that I knew where it was-
Bill did not let me off close to the field,
then go park "in the lower forty".

It was good to see players parents
it was hard to see them holding hands
as they walked to their car together
and I walked alone, empty handed.

My heart is full.
I am thankful it beats.
I am thankful it is open.
I am thankful it is not hard.
I am thankful it is responsive.
I am thankful God is working in it.

It is a beautiful evening-
time to enjoy the warmth of fall
time to enjoy the sunshine and colors
time to enjoy being with family and friends
time to enjoy a yummy meal Bre and Andrew are cooking
time to enjoy the life I am privileged to live.