cinnamon roll morning

I got up before anyone else this morning
and made cinnamon rolls with brown frosting
it was Deborah's last morning in the states
and we hadn't had homemade cinnamon rolls yet




Deborah had most everything packed by yesterday afternoon
(I am pretty confident that was a first)
so it was a much more relaxed morning than normal
and we enjoyed the visit with friends who stopped in to pray with her

it is never easy when my kids who live out of town leave
whether it is Lexington, Cincinnati, Hudson, or Siberia
we have always known there are no guarantees
that truth is now experienced

the boys loaded the suitcases
the grand kids went out to the van
I stood on the porch and leaned over
to hug and pray with Deborah before she left

the tears started before I got back in the house,
I knew Andrew had to leave to keep stats
I thought I was alone and the ugly cry started
Jonathan came in and held me until the storm passed

I got ready and went to the football game
got hugs and listening ears from friends,
and watched the game, tear free,
safely surrounded by people who love me

I was invited to game night at Jeremy and Emily's
so after eating pizza with Andrew and Spencer
I went to game night by myself
I watched and smiled and left at 10:23

the tears started before I got to the car
in the half a mile it took to get home
I acknowledged this part of my new reality
no more relying on Bill to get us home safely

I barley got the door locked before the dam broke
some grieving has to be done when you are alone
the primal screaming and the gut wrenching sobbing
let me know that there is an ugly cry and there is uglier crying

for the first time in my life
I am living in a house by myself
I went from my dads house to our house 37 years ago
and at least one of my kids has been here for the last six weeks

knowing that this was going to happen
and having to actually live it
are two completely different things
and though my eyes are gritty
and my heart aches
and my gut feels turned inside out
my soul-the most important part of me-is at rest
I rejoice in the fact that the peace I hoped I had, when put to the test, truly is mine