a 5 penny day

Today has been a marathon, I am exhausted.

This morning I went into my office/sewing room looking for some papers for Deborah.
The search entailed looking through three bookshelves of folders, notebooks and loose papers.

I found the anniversary card Bill gave me three weeks before he went home.

I found some pictures the grandchildren had drawn of us with them.

I found blank sheets of the Bible study guides we used when we discipled young married couples.

I found the Sweetest Day card he gave me last October.

I found the Grandparents Day photo of me, Hannah and Bill from a few years ago.

I found blanks of the prayer sheets he kept,
the same ones that filled the notebooks Andrew shared at the funeral.

I remembered how every so often he would accidentally use his last blank one
and ask me if I had a blank one he could copy.

I found the anniversary card he gave me last year.

I thought about the anniversary card I will not be getting next year.

That was the first few hours of my day.

Random things continued to pop up.

I saw four new, shiny pennies in the KCU parking lot.

Each time I see a penny I am reminded that God loves me.

Seeing those new pennies today motivated me to thank God
for the shiny spots that are part of my life:
An intimate relationship with Him.
A dozen children and bakers dozen grandchildren.
Extended family.
The many kids that call me mom, momma, mommaD or momma Bondo.
Friends.
Professional mousers that work after hours and don't charge extra.
The company that is going to install new windows called this morning and will begin soon.
Moments of happiness.
Respites of laughter.

If I am going through a difficult time, I remember that
God sees,
God cares and
God has it under control.

Countless blessings.

As I walked across a different parking lot I saw another penny.

This one reminded me of me right now-
battered,
obviously worn.
I thanked God that He sees me and loves me right where I am.

The Women's team had a soccer game away this evening.
In the van on the way home, about an hour out from Grayson,
Coach and I were talking about the Men's game at home Friday.
This is Homecoming weekend and there is also an Alumni Banquet Friday evening.
Our teams always help serve and clean up so we were talking about what time the banquet started.

Suddenly it slapped me in the face that the reason I go to KCU banquets is two fold-
1) it made Bill happy
2) to spend time with Bill
and the tears started rolling down my cheeks.

I realized that I will be going to this banquet without Bill,
and I fought the ugly cry as the truths that accompany that unfolded:
I will not be meeting him in the lobby.
I will not be walking into the gym by his side, holding his hand.
I will not be sitting at a table while he mills around greeting people.

I will be meeting Deborah in the lobby.
Deborah is sharing for a few minutes, so not going is not an option.
And I sit here typing this I am crying the ugly cry for what feels like the hundredth time today as I think about how proud Bill would have been to be in the audience and hear Deborah share.

The sorrow is deep,

but the joy is deeper.

God's faithfulness in the past 

makes choosing to continue to love Him 

and trust Him to provide what I need, when I need it, 

the only option that makes sense.