love lavishly

Today I went on a journey down memory lane.

As I was rearranging and storing things today 

I saw Bill's suits and dress shirts hanging in the closet.

Those of you who knew Bill personally know that he was not a flashy nor extravagant person. He definitely was not high maintenance or demanding. My boldness to be extravagant with tangible gifts for him began Christmas 2013 when I bought him a nice watch. I hoped he wouldn't ask for the receipt because I knew he would think I had spent too much and he would want to take it back. 

Last spring before we went to the beach I bought him all new shorts, shirts and swim trunks to take. When we got to Florida a shopping trip to Wal Mart ended with groceries for the week, a new hat for me, a visor for him, and matching lounge chairs. He wanted to just lay on his towel-somehow I convinced him we both needed a chair.

Last summer Bill moved to a new position at KCU. He needed new clothes. I am not talking about a few shirts and a new tie or two, he needed a whole new wardrobe. So, despite his protests, I ordered him five or six new suits, about a dozen new dress shirts, several new ties, new dress socks and shoes. He fussed about the new clothes-he said it was all too much. I disagreed, and he kept everything that fit. I think it helped him feel more confident. I know he looked good. I know I felt good being what he considered lavish. 

It's strange, 

the things we remember.

I know we shared a last night together-

he was in the hospital bed, I was in the recliner beside him.

We shared a last look-

when he asked me when I thought the GI doctor would be in.

We shared a last few minutes-

I was playing a game on my phone, He was waiting on IV fluids.

It's strange,

the things we forget.

We shared a last hug-

but I couldn't tell you where.

We shared a last kiss-

but I couldn't tell you when.

We shared an audible last "I love you"-

but I don't recall it.

It's strange,

the value we put on things that are no longer possible.

A kiss, a hug, a look, a touch, a prayer together, an "I love you".

It's strange,

how easy it is to take loved ones and time with them for granted.

If I had known what was about to happen, I definitely would have been holding his hand and looking at him rather than holding my phone and looking at the screen.

It's strange,

how hard it is to make plans without thinking "how will this affect Bill."

Thirty seven years, thirty eight counting the year we dated,

were spent learning how to take him and his preferences into account.

The one thing I did not purchase last summer that I wanted to buy was a new lawn mower so he wouldn't have to wiggle this and jiggle that. He refused to allow me to get one.

Guess what I ordered last week, what arrived today and what Andrew and Bre used tonight? 

It is strange how a new lawnmower made me cry the ugly cry.

Love lavishly.

When you don't have money, 

don't let that be an excuse to be stingy.

Be creative.

A note.

A text.

A message.

A gentle touch.

A favorite candy bar.

A wildflower.

Anything that says "I love you" 

in a way that speaks to the receiver.

Be rich in: 

love

mercy

grace

forgiveness

kindness

compassion

encouragement

admiration

thankfulness

appreciation

thoughtfulness

Love lavishly.

You won't regret it.

Unless you don't do it.