taking care of myself

You would think,

that after all of the years I have spent taking care of people,

that it would be easy to figure out how to take care of just myself.

It is not. 

Who knew that planning your day,

when no one is depending on you for anything,

would be a challenge.

Who knew that having the freedom 

to eat what you want, when you want,

would be difficult.

Who knew that being able to come and go 

where and when you please

would sometimes be a burden.

You would think,

that after all of the years I have spent taking care of people,

that it would be easy to figure out how to take care of just myself.

It is not.

There was something I felt,

Safety? 

Structure? 

A sense of security?

in my role as big sister, 

then as a wife 

and later as a mother.

I learned how to fill those parts well.

The rules changed drastically when our last child got married.

I was getting comfortable in the role

of being "only" a wife again,

when widowhood made life a totally new game.

You would think,

that after all of the years I have spent taking care of people,

that it would be easy to figure out how to take care of just myself.

It is not. 

Not in the least.