Salekhard 104

Bill came to Salekhard with Deborah in 2013 when she returned from being in the states for Andrew and Bre’s wedding. I knew coming here would be bittersweet. I was hoping that coming at a different time of year might make a difference in the way things hit me. I have pictures of him at all of the places they visited. Part of me wants to visit them, part of me wants to avoid every place he went. As we passed the Arctic Circle monument on our way to church yesterday I remembered his excitement every time I had an opportunity to speak to him while he was here, one that did not wane. When we went to church I knew I would be worshipping with some of the same people he worshipped with. Tears trickled down my cheeks several times. I am thankful David and Deborah are living in a different place.

Reality:

Dreams are weird and uncontrollable.

Maybe the emotions stirred up yesterday contributed to the happenings of this morning. It was very light when I woke up. I was surprised when I checked the time: 5:40 AM.

Since I didn’t go to bed until after midnight I thought it was too early to stay up. So I laid in bed and eventually went back to sleep. But I did not rest.

Dreams rolled through my mind like a bad TV series.

Episode one began as I sat in stunned disbelief looking at Bill as he said, “I have been unfaithful, I love you, I don’t deserve you, I am moving out.” Three weeks later I was looking for him, but couldn’t find him. I wanted to tell him I love him, I forgave him, I miss him and I desperately want him to come home. Suddenly, in my dream I realized I was dreaming, that he was dead and he is never coming home. The ugly cry shook me. 

Episode two began with a man I know, but would never confide in, knocking on the door, me pouring my heart out to him and asking him if I was crazy for having that dream.

Episode three had me entering my room and seeing someone in my bed, for a moment hoping it was Bill, knowing it couldn’t be, discovering it was the mans wife.

Episode four included me being talked into leaving my room to go for a walk. As I stood at the main entrance to KCU’s campus a parade was progressing down Carole Malone Boulevard. Reindeer pulling floats and sleds, some with tires, some with simple sleigh rails, each one piled high with children’s Christmas gifts, Daniel standing in the “loop” at the entrance talking on a walkie talkie. Me thinking it was part of a plan to honor Bill’s 27 years of service at the University. 

Reality:

I woke up, for real woke up. Tears rolling down my cheeks, landing on the sheets. Wishing I had stayed awake at 5:40 AM. Thankful that dreams do not reflect reality. My body feeling like I had been beaten with a baseball bat. This morning I was resolved that regardless of the time I wake up, I will try and stay up because I don’t want to take a chance of that dream/nightmare series resuming.

Maybe my subconscious, alongside my emotions, was at work this morning; I just realized that a year ago Bill and I spent this week at the beach. And acknowledging our plans to travel together here will never happen.