Salekhard 202 B

Life here is filled with tasks that require more time

and less thought than they do in the states.

That  makes for plenty of “think” time.

Though it may be scary place for you,

I will share some recent thoughts from my mind.

When we left the US we had four weeks-

that we were going to spend traveling/visiting.

How can it be almost half over?

I have counted down nine months with great anticipation,

literally marking days off of a calendar,

each time I awaited the arrival of one of my children.

Two of my babies never made it to full term birth.

I sometimes wonder how different my life would be if they had lived.

How can time pass very quickly,

yet painstakingly slow, 

simultaneously?

Each time I open my FB page 

I see “married to Bill Bondurant since Aug. 6, 1977”.

It makes my heart clench.

It makes me want to cry.

Yet I am hesitant to remove it.

What is an “appropriate”  time to wait? 

If I change it, what would I change it to?

Will I be judged harshly when/if I change it?

Friday will mark 9 months since I became a widow.

Sometimes my emotions are overwhelming .

Sometimes I feel numb, this can’t be real.

Sometimes I wonder if I will always feel like I do now-

not a wife, but not a single woman.

I am thankful that my identity is tied to whose I am-

God’s beloved-

rather than to any person, thing, talent or work in my life. 

Due to a series of unfortunate events,

the headstone was not ordered in January.

By the time I checked on it,

there was not time for it to get to Grayson before I left.

I found out tonight it was set Thursday.

My daughter-in-law has offered to send me a picture.

I am torn-would seeing it that way first be best?
Honestly, I don’t want to see it all.

Crazy?

Sometimes I feel like I am.

But that’s okay-

I don’t think I am alone in that feeling.

Grief makes us that way sometimes.

Had Jess sent the picture.

Had an ugly cry.

Have decided there is no good time to see that.