role reversal

There has been a role reversal in my life.

I think I am okay with it, 

but it takes me by surprise every time I am confronted with it.

I am the caregiver more often than not. 

Well, I used to be that kind of caregiver.

Now I am learning how to be on the other end.

Sometimes it is awkward, even when I know I need it.

Following are some specific examples:

Sarah and her family left the house a few minutes before I did today. As I was pulling out of the driveway I received a phone call from her.

"Have you left yet?"

"I am pulling out of the driveway now."
"Well, there is a tornado watch in Carter County. Be careful."

"OK. I will. Thanks."

The last time Ruth and Kyle were in:

"Do you want a TV stand?"

"I'm not sure."

"We aren't using ours, it is just sitting at the house."

Texts like this come randomly:

"I love you."

or

"Thinking about you."

or 
"Praying for you."

or

"How are you today?" 

If the answer is:

"I am struggling."

The reply is:

"I will be praying. Is there anything I can do?"

A text from Jess after she went grocery shopping.

"There is a gift for you and Sarah on the porch, 

you will know which one is yours."
I go out to look-carnations, my favorite, for me. Lilies for Sarah.

"I love you."

I walked into a young friends office today.

"Hi, how are you?"

"I am good, how are you?"

"I am good."

pause

"I am lying. I am hurting."

"It's okay. You are allowed. Let me give you a hug before you leave."

"Thanks for praying and understanding."

"Always."

Slowly I am learning how to graciously receive and not feel guilty.

The last few days have been interrupted frequently by random tears. Today my house cleaning was punctuated by an ugly cry, complete with guttural moaning, some screaming and snot streaming. 

It's been awhile. 

I am glad I was here by myself. 

It would have frightened the children and grandchildren.

As I was scrubbing the kitchen floor and reflecting, 

I thought "I am sad. Not unhappy, just sad." 

I don't know why, but tonight I feel a sense of 

relief

freedom

empowerment 

in being able to say; "I am sad. Not unhappy, just sad." 

Ten months ago today Bill died. 

I knew immediately that my life would never be the same.

A lot of other life changes have happened since that August evening. 

I am thankful I have not had to face them alone. 

God has provided care givers all along the way. 

Some are related by DNA, some by the blood of Jesus. 

I feel like I have an army of people encircling me, lifting me up.
I am thankful for each one of them.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."

Romans 12:15

"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."

Galatians 6:2

" A new commandment I give to you, 

that you love one another: 

just as I have loved you, 

you also are to love one another. 

By this all people will know that you are My disciples, 

if you have love for one another.”

John 13:34-35