someone else got the answer I wanted...

Sunday I read the urgent prayer request of a friend...
"...after tests they discovered his aorta torn...surgery..."
my heart dropped
my stomach twisted
I wanted to scream
I wanted to run
I wanted to throw up
I prayed, fervently
because this scenario sounded eerily familiar
though we didn't know it at the time
his presenting symptoms were far different than ones Bill displayed
but something happened suddenly to Bill's aorta 
and in the matter of three breaths he went from here to heaven
I didn't want that for them

I waited anxiously for news about the outcome of the surgery
the stats I have about surgery and what took Bills life are not encouraging 
I was hesitantly thankful that my friends husband made it through surgery
every day I check,
several times,
for an update
long story short,
this man is making an excellent recovery
the road ahead is long, 
but there is a road ahead for them
I have been wrestling and haven't stopped long enough to face my conflict
today as I cleaned the church I was thinking and praying
I do some of my best of those things while I am there alone
I wanted to identify, analyze and process my feelings

slowly I acknowledged and dealt with the following:
jealous- I would be lying if I said I don't have a tinge of that
anger-yes, not at God or anyone here, I am angry with sin and death
wishful-that our outcome would have been different 
I kept thinking there is something else-
and finally it hit me
sad
I am just plain sad
and trying to ignore that
or trying to talk myself out of it is not going to work
slowly I realized it is okay that I am sad
it isn't a place I want to live in permanently
but it is a place that is okay to visit
and allowing myself to feel sad will help it pass quicker

tonight I am
thankful-abundantly thankful

• that this couple has more time to minister together
• that Bill is at rest-I do not want him here now that he has been there

trusting-completely trusting

• that God does not make mistakes
• that God will continue to provide what I need when I need it

rejoicing- my heart truly is full of joy

• that I am God's child
• that Bill was God's child
• that God does all things well
• that one day I will be home too
• that until then there is work for me to do here
• but mostly I am thankful God answers every single prayer