wrestling mania

some of my posts lately seem almost shallow
not because I don't want to share deeply
but because I am having a difficult time identifying
what it is I am struggling with
here are glimpses from some of the wrestling matches going on:

three or four trips alone to Ohio since March to spend time with family
What? Even one trip hasn't happened in over 4 years!

• thankful I am in a place where I can go by myself
• almost disbelief that I have had the stamina to go
• reliving why I have not been able to travel the last four years-everything from crazy hormonal stuff to injuries sustained in a car accident to Bill's death
• missing Bill as my driver when we had the chance to go together
• knowing that I would have encouraged him to make quick trips on his own so he and his mom could have time alone
• thankful for the time I have had with family and friends there
• sad about the illnesses and pain that have driven those trips
• enjoying reconnecting with a cousin

new opportunities to serve

• working with camp teams this week from 8:25 AM til midnight
• on the way home one night realizing that if Bill was still alive I would not be doing this ministry because I would want to be home with him in the evening
• feeling guilty for being thankful I am working with this group
• feeling guilty for wishing I was not able to be doing this
• thankful for past experiences at camp that give me insight into what this summer will hold for these 12 students
• memories of the weeks I have spent serving at RLCA
• sorrow that Bill never got the chance to fulfill his dream of us going together to serve at the week his brother is Dean
• joy knowing I am going back to RLCA this summer
• thankfulness that because I was a part of camp team training this week at KCU I learned I once again have the physical stamina to make it a full week at RLCA

watching my kids going through job and life changes

• rejoicing with them over new opportunities to grow
• excitement watching them follow God's clear leading
• tension as they seek the next step-whether it be where to settle or what job/ministry is next (not unhealthy tension, simply tension that accompanies the "unknown")
• being thankful I have a house big enough to share with those who have needed it without it being crowded
• adjusting to having little's around 24/7
• experiencing the stress with them of looking for a place to live
• happy for them (and me) when they find a place

And then there is Sam

• knowing Sam was Bill's dog and Sam is not going to be here forever
• aggravation over cleaning up after him
• thankful he is here to guard the yard and me from foes, real or imagined
• trying to decide if I should get a puppy for Sam to mentor
• excited that it would be my dog
• knowing if I do it will take a lot of time and energy to train it
• guilt over not wanting to spend the kind of time it would take to do it right
• confusion over why I have even considered it
• relief knowing I travel too much to make getting a new puppy a realistic choice

knowing I have been a widow for 21 months and...

• wondering how time can fly and stand still at the same time
• surprise over how well I am doing with the changes
• confusion how I felt protected simply because I was married, even if Bill was not with me and how odd it is to be in the same places and sometimes feel vulnerable now
• apprehension knowing that though I have been without Bill, I have not been without family living with me
• knowing there will be a time of new mourning/grief when Ruth, Kyle, Xavier and Mia move 
• wondering what it will be like when I am living alone (in those 21 months I have had one or more of my children living with me due to changes in their lives)
• thankfulness for the way Bill planned ahead-his planning is what enables me to continue living in our home and pay the bills without needing to go out and find a full time job
• the excitement that comes from my spring ritual of looking at houses online, knowing even now the chances of moving are small
• being thankful that God's timing and ways are perfect

I am reminded of the statement I heard recently that we are afraid of what we don't know...and how true that is in my life. I am thankful that God loves me and I am His child. I am thankful He has me in His watchcare and that He is always available. Because every time I am in a situation that frightens me I find myself turning and running to Him, the One I do know and either burying my face in His chest as He holds me or standing in His strength when I need to.

It is a good place to be. 

No, it is the best place to be.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints"

Ephesians 6:10-19