the elephant that lives in my chest
There is an elephant that lives in my chest.
At least, that is what it feels like sometimes.
When my heart is weighted down
so heavy that I feel like I might not be able to draw the next breath-
I blame it on the elephant.
Normally he just sits there, but last night he was tap dancing on my heart.
With cleats on his feet.
Spiky metal cleats he had sharpened so they would pierce.
Stepping and stomping by turn on sensitive areas.
Yes, it was painful and yes, there were tears.
Over the years I have been aware of his presence in various situations.
But I did not know he has a name.
I didn't know
because it is one of those elephants in the room that no one talks about.
One that makes a lot of people extremely uncomfortable.
Now I know he is called Mourning.
He accompanies Sorrow and Grief.
Denial?
Embarrassment?
Something else?
The truth is that we all face losses.
"Big" losses.
"Little" losses.
Losses that lead to mourning.
We all deal with them differently.
The intensity of our mourning varies.
How much we mourn is based on the value we place on what we lose.
Perspective matters.
It may not be a big deal to others,
but it is a big deal to us.
Dropped popsicles on hot, humid summer days.
Blankies, pacifiers or a favorite toy misplaced.
Being or simply feeling rejected or betrayed or neglected.
Not meeting the expectations of those whose approval we seek.
Lost friendships, dreams or loved ones.
As I walked today I thought about how mourning pounds my heart,
much as my feet were pounding the asphalt.
I have a huge place on my foot that was a blood blister but is now a callous.
I can allow mourning to pound my heart and build up callouses
or I can allow mourning to pound my heart and keep it tender,
I pray I will continue to choose the harder path.
To remain sensitive and vulnerable.
To become calloused is to become hardened.
And a hardened heart is very difficult to live with.
So my plan is that I will continue to acknowledge
and not hide Mourning and his companions.
I will continue to write and speak of them and their presence in my life.
My hope is it will free others to do the same.
And life will be a little less awkward for us all.
At least, that is what it feels like sometimes.
When my heart is weighted down
so heavy that I feel like I might not be able to draw the next breath-
I blame it on the elephant.
Normally he just sits there, but last night he was tap dancing on my heart.
With cleats on his feet.
Spiky metal cleats he had sharpened so they would pierce.
Stepping and stomping by turn on sensitive areas.
Yes, it was painful and yes, there were tears.
Over the years I have been aware of his presence in various situations.
But I did not know he has a name.
I didn't know
because it is one of those elephants in the room that no one talks about.
One that makes a lot of people extremely uncomfortable.
Now I know he is called Mourning.
He accompanies Sorrow and Grief.
What is it that keeps us silent?
Fear? Denial?
Embarrassment?
Something else?
The truth is that we all face losses.
"Big" losses.
"Little" losses.
Losses that lead to mourning.
We all deal with them differently.
The intensity of our mourning varies.
How much we mourn is based on the value we place on what we lose.
Perspective matters.
It may not be a big deal to others,
but it is a big deal to us.
Dropped popsicles on hot, humid summer days.
Blankies, pacifiers or a favorite toy misplaced.
Being or simply feeling rejected or betrayed or neglected.
Not meeting the expectations of those whose approval we seek.
Lost friendships, dreams or loved ones.
As I walked today I thought about how mourning pounds my heart,
much as my feet were pounding the asphalt.
I have a huge place on my foot that was a blood blister but is now a callous.
I can allow mourning to pound my heart and build up callouses
or I can allow mourning to pound my heart and keep it tender,
I pray I will continue to choose the harder path.
To remain sensitive and vulnerable.
To become calloused is to become hardened.
And a hardened heart is very difficult to live with.
So my plan is that I will continue to acknowledge
and not hide Mourning and his companions.
I will continue to write and speak of them and their presence in my life.
My hope is it will free others to do the same.
And life will be a little less awkward for us all.
"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."
Romans 12:15
Side note: God makes my heart smile. I went to biblegateway.com to look for a particular verse. I stopped at the homepage. This was the verse of the day.
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