I don't wanna

It is Thanksgiving eve/early Thanksgiving morning.

I am not feeling particularly thankful.

It is one of those times that the only thing I feel thankful for

is God loves me.

I want that to be enough.

But I am struggling hard.

I don’t wanna be a widow.

I don’t wanna see or hear my children hurting.

I don’t wanna be in Illinois, here in the house Kourtney so beautifully remodeled, without Bill here to talk to him about all the work he did and how well he did it. I can tell Kourtney those things, but it is not the same as hearing them from Bill.

I don’t wanna wake up in the morning and not have Bill laying next to me, eager to get up and watch the Macy’s Day Parade, part of the the Dog Show, and then football.

I want to gather around the Thanksgiving table with the man I have spent the last 38 Thanksgivings with, holding my hand and taking the lead in sharing something we are thankful for.

I want to watch him struggle to carve the turkey and save the wishbone.

I  want to hear him ask Sarah if she made Banana Salad and watch them race to see who will get to it first. Then watch them try to hide whatever is left from one another.

I want to see Bill in the kitchen with a dishtowel thrown over his shoulder as he attacks the mounds of dishes that accompany a holiday meal. It was one of the things he decided was his job. All day long.

Reality: 

it doesn’t matter what I want.

What matters is what I do with the reality I have.

I have cried, hard, a lot, in the last few hours. 

I have run hard to God, I do not know where else to find what I need.

I have prayed hard.

I have read His word.

Wednesday morning when I was reading Colossians 3,

I stopped when I got to verse 18. 

I picked up there in this early Thursday morning hour.

“Wives submit to your husbands, as is fitting to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them…Whatever you do,work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward.

You are serving the Lord Christ.”

Colossians 3:18-25

I have found things to be thankful for.

I am thankful I was married to a man I could submit to without fear, trusting that he would do what was best for us.

(I struggled sometimes, not because of fear, but because of my selfishness.)

I am thankful I had a husband who loved me.

I am thankful I had a husband who was kind and gentle and patient.

I am thankful for the privilege to serve-

and it is easier to serve with joy when I keep in mind Who I am serving.

“Show me, Father, the who, where, when and how You want me serve. 

I do not need to know the why. 

It is enough knowing You asked me to. 

I want to serve You well. 

I don’t wanna fail You.”

“Thank you for Your healing work in my life.

Thank you for being always available.

Thank you for being more than enough."

I am thankful that our family likes being together. and our memories of holiday get-togethers, as crazy as it gets with all of us, are good memories. There is joy. There is peace. There is laughter. There is rest. There are late night talks and crazy dance parties on occasion. We look forward to being together. That is a huge blessing we do not take for granted. Over the years we have had to learn to adjust and accept that we are not all going to be able to be together for every holiday. Marriages mean having to share with another family. Distance sometimes makes getting together not possible. So, with whoever is available, we take any and all opportunities to gather. As Andrew says “Party time all the time with/at the Bondurant’s”. 

“See that no one repays anyone with evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus.”

 I Thessalonians 5:15-18

“Thank you, Father for so many wonderful memories from past Thanksgivings. This is our first Thanksgiving without our patriarch. Please open our hearts and eyes to the new good memories You have for us.”