sucker punched
As I awoke this morning I had the most delicious feeling that I had just been wrapped in someones arms from behind and held. I lay there and enjoyed that feeling of comfort and contentment.
I got up and started getting some things organized-soccer season coinciding with having the second part of a split heating and air system installed by someone who can only work on Saturdays, a few hours at a time, alongside getting new siding, windows, gutters and all that goes with that has my house in major disarray.
Upstairs room used for construction storage:
Baseboard heaters out of house, stacked behind building-check
Tools picked up-check
"stuff" more organized-check
Family room:
Guppies (delivered last night) still swimming-check
Guppies fed-check
Curtains taken down, washed and dried since new windows are going in today-check
Kitchen:
Oatmeal and coffee for breakfast-check
Dishes washed-check
Dishwasher unloaded-check
Playroom:
Curtains moved to library and hung-check
Movies/DVDs organized- check
Cushions off of love seat and couch to clean crevices-check
Clean under love seat-check
Clean under couch-check mate-
that paper that I thought was something one of the grandchildren had drawn on was this:
What in the world?
First of all, I kept Bill's notes in a couple of places-
but under the couch is NOT one of them!
Secondly-that furniture was moved to that room mid- August
Thirdly-that room has been cleaned!
I have never been sucker punched,
but I imagine this is what it would feel like.
Initially I was taken by the truth that Bill loved me-
and if I see him again*, it will be later on...
And then these thoughts ran through my mind with an intensity and pain I was not expecting.
"I don't want to see him later. I want to see him NOW!"
"I want him to come up behind me, wrap me in his arms and just hold me."
"I miss that handwriting."
"I know he is in a better place. I do not want him to come back to this place. I just miss him."
And the ugly cry could not be held at bay.
That was four hours ago.
I cancelled an afternoon visit with a friend.
I am still reeling.
Tears continue to fall randomly.
I am slowly finding my balance again,
but my whole body aches-
like I was hit by a mack truck-
like I was ran over and then the driver backed up over me for good measure.
Grieving hurts.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
*I know when my body stops working here and I get to really start living, like Bill has done, I will see and be seen perfectly by God-and that is enough. I do wonder though if I will know people I knew here.
I got up and started getting some things organized-soccer season coinciding with having the second part of a split heating and air system installed by someone who can only work on Saturdays, a few hours at a time, alongside getting new siding, windows, gutters and all that goes with that has my house in major disarray.
Upstairs room used for construction storage:
Baseboard heaters out of house, stacked behind building-check
Tools picked up-check
"stuff" more organized-check
Family room:
Guppies (delivered last night) still swimming-check
Guppies fed-check
Curtains taken down, washed and dried since new windows are going in today-check
Kitchen:
Oatmeal and coffee for breakfast-check
Dishes washed-check
Dishwasher unloaded-check
Playroom:
Curtains moved to library and hung-check
Movies/DVDs organized- check
Cushions off of love seat and couch to clean crevices-check
Clean under love seat-check
Clean under couch-check mate-
that paper that I thought was something one of the grandchildren had drawn on was this:
What in the world?
First of all, I kept Bill's notes in a couple of places-
but under the couch is NOT one of them!
Secondly-that furniture was moved to that room mid- August
Thirdly-that room has been cleaned!
I have never been sucker punched,
but I imagine this is what it would feel like.
Initially I was taken by the truth that Bill loved me-
and if I see him again*, it will be later on...
And then these thoughts ran through my mind with an intensity and pain I was not expecting.
"I don't want to see him later. I want to see him NOW!"
"I want him to come up behind me, wrap me in his arms and just hold me."
"I miss that handwriting."
"I know he is in a better place. I do not want him to come back to this place. I just miss him."
And the ugly cry could not be held at bay.
That was four hours ago.
I cancelled an afternoon visit with a friend.
I am still reeling.
Tears continue to fall randomly.
I am slowly finding my balance again,
but my whole body aches-
like I was hit by a mack truck-
like I was ran over and then the driver backed up over me for good measure.
Grieving hurts.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
*I know when my body stops working here and I get to really start living, like Bill has done, I will see and be seen perfectly by God-and that is enough. I do wonder though if I will know people I knew here.
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