invisible

I am at ICOM (International Conference on Missions).

I have never been. 

This is one of the things Bill was planning on us being able to do with his position change this summer.

It is a huge stretch for me, but I felt I needed to come, 

not for his sake, but for mine.

I am praying for my ears and eyes and heart to be open.

I felt invisible tonight as someone Bill worked with for several years at KCU walked past me, twice. They are at another school now. If Bill had been by my side, this person would have seen him and spoken to me as part of their inevitable "comparing school stuff" conversation.

In a way it was a relief. I didn't have to go through the awkward hug and condolences from someone I never really knew on a personal level. In another way, it hurt, because it served as a tangible reminder of how different my life is now that Bill is no longer by my side.

Later in the evening I saw a couple who is like family. They stopped, we had our usual "hello" hugs and we had a brief, general conversation. As they went on their way I got a brief kiss on the forehead from my "brother". Another change, since Bill is not by my side, but a sweet one.

After the main session, as I registered, 

I wished I was invisible.

One of the registrars was a former KCU student. 

That is always a dicey situation. 

Do they know who I am?

Do they know Bill is Home?

She said one of the sweetest things to my ears and heart;

"I am praying for you and your family." 

When I started out this morning,

I was excited for today

I was scared for today.

I knew that there were going to be many different situations/circumstances that I have not been in.

As tonight draws to an end

I find myself looking forward to tomorrow

because I know that though

tomorrow holds more:

more people

more opportunities

more "potentially awkward" situations.

I also believe it holds more:

more of God's love

more of God's peace

more of God's grace.