Pumpkin Pie and Banana Pudding

This weekend was full of firsts for me.

First *ICOM-it was a great experience.
(*International Conference on Missions- formerly known as National Missionary Convention)

First time finding my way around a conference center on my own.
( I didn't get lost! And I chose workshops based on my interests!)

First time seeing some of our friends and acquaintances since Bill went home.
(Nothing awkward, thank you Jesus!)

First time I have thought about teaching again at camp (RLCA)-
it has been four years since I was last there.
(I think it surprised my brother-in-law more than it surprised me.)

First time eating dinner in Staci's home.
(Yummy! Thank you friend.)

First time helping tear down a KCU display.
(As in dismantling and packing, not destroying.)

First time going to Jimmy John's without Bill.

First time eating a Jimmy John's cookie-delicious!

First time unloading my car from a trip by myself.
(I am glad it was just a carry on, my computer bag and my purse.)

First time driving to church for our Thanksgiving Dinner celebration.
(Bill always drove.)

First time looking for seats for three.
(Me, Andrew, and Bre.)

First time being tempted to leave a dinner
because someone commented on Banana Pudding.

(Something Bill would have definitely made room for on his plate.)

First time eating pumpkin pie and wanting to cry.

First time leaving said dinner early.
(I knew there was no stopping the ugly cry that was coming.)



First time struggling to unlock the house because of tears.

Thanksgiving was Bill's favorite holiday.

Sometimes knowing something is going to be hard,

thinking something is going to hurt, doesn't help.

There is no way to anticipate how much it is going to hurt.

You just have to live through the pain and anguish.

Scripture is plain about what God expects from believers,

so I grab the kleenex and I go to my knees, 

face buried in the couch cushions, 

crying out, literally, to God. 

(If I bury my face in the floor I may not get up, 

some of my joints creak and none are as flexible as they used to be! )

I recall portions of God's word:

and I know I have to choose-

walk, by faith, in obedience, trusting,

or turn my back on the One who loves me lavishly.

Some of Jesus' words come to mind:

“These things I have spoken to you 

while I am still with you. 

But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, 

whom the Father will send in My name, 

He will teach you all things, 

and bring to your remembrance all that I said to you. 

Peace I leave with you; 

My peace I give to you; 

not as the world gives do I give to you. 

Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful."

John 14:25-27

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, 

give thanks in all circumstances; 

for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 

Do not quench the Spirit."

I Thessalonians 5:16-19

I wail.

I scream.

I sob.

I admit that this is gut wrenching.

I focus on Jesus and who I am in Christ-

I rejoice that I am God's beloved.

I allow the Spirit to give me peace.

I allow the Spirit to take fear from my heart.

I thank God for the time I shared life with Bill.

I thank God for the friends and family that surround me.

I acknowledge that I am weak and I cannot do this on my own.

I pray that as I walk this road of grief,

that I will not deny or try to bury the pain,

but that I will face it, accept it, and deal with it.

I pray that I will endure the suffering well.

I pray that I will continue to allow God to heal me.

I pray that I will allow God to use me.

I pray that I will not quench the Spirit.

I choose to ask the Helper, the Holy Spirit, do His work in me.

Truth is: 

I want to be the woman God created me to be.

I want to be an accurate reflection of God.

He must do His work in me, I can do nothing worth doing on my own.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to His great mercy, He has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him. Though you do not now see Him, you believe in Him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, 9 obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

1 Peter 1:3-9