floundering

I know what I know to be true. 

God is good.

God sees me.

God loves me.

God is faithful.

God comforts me.

God does not make mistakes.

God provides all I need, when I need it.

God is not surprised by what happens in my life.

I find peace and rest and comfort in these truths.

 Yet, sometimes, I think I am going crazy.

On the bus ride home from regionals tonight 

I thought of a good word to describe how I am feeling.

floundering:

to struggle clumsily or helplessly

dictionary.com

I chose that word because though my heart is at peace,

and I know God is slowly healing it,

I find that there are times 

I am floundering-

my chest tightens

and abruptly my heart begins to ache so deeply 

I find it difficult to take a breath.

(It is not a heart attack, it is an attack of a broken heart.)

I pray,

and I sense God's presence,

I sense His comfort,

I sense the peace that comes only from Him 

and I have rest in my soul.

But it is as if my body does not get that memo-

and I am floundering-

my stomach clenches,

my eyeballs burn,

and tears fall.

Sometimes they silently leave tracks my face,

sometimes there is quiet weeping,

and sometimes

guttural cries come from my heart,

groanings erupt from my inner being

and my shoulders involuntarily pull inward-

as if my body is protecting itself from some kind of blow.

I am floundering.

How can my body react violently 

to something I am at at peace with in my soul?

The bodily violence,

the turmoil 

and the sadness 

come from missing Bill. 

I miss his hugs

I miss his smile

I miss his voice

I miss his laugh

I miss his hands

I miss his advice

I miss his prayers

I miss his presence.

The peace is a gift from God.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

Philippians 4:4-9