freshly broken

Encouraged.

Energized.

Enigma.

This morning I saw something Bill had written 
and it made my heart smile rather than clench.

Thinking about it reminded me that one day this week 
I was remembering something about him and it felt good and right- 
I didn't shut off the memory and I didn't hurt afterward. 

Late this afternoon I went to clean the church. 
I was almost done when suddenly I got a swift shot to my gut. 
My chest felt crushed, my heart raw, shattered. 
I went into the library, sat in a chair and the ugly cry began, 
complete with groans and wordless praying.
I hoped whoever I heard working outside would not come in. 
I would rather grieve alone than to try to explain why I am crying.

It caught me totally off guard. 
Like this process was starting new.
I felt freshly broken. 
I was confused, trying to figure out what the trigger was.
Nothing came to mind. 
I looked at the clock-it was the time he went home. 
In 6 weeks he will have been gone a year. 

Time has flown.
Time has crawled.
Time has stood still.

Tonight as I sit on the porch with candles flickering 
my heart is at peace as I rest, listening to nighttime bugs.

Blessed.

Broken.

Blended.