Prayer....

If you want to know my private thoughts, 
most of the time all you have to do is read my blog. 
I write things I cannot find words to voice.
My intimate thoughts are found in my prayer journal.
It is where I am most vulnerable, honest and raw.

 


Just an ordinary composition book.
It isn't fancy by any means,
but it does the job I need it to do.

You don't have to strain your eyes
or enlarge the screen.
Today I am going to share 
what I wrote 
in my prayer journal this morning.










"I need to be resting and not worry about 'stuff' or people's opinion right now. My body feels like it was hit by a mack truck overnight and before I even got out of bed I could feel my tear ducts filling. (Sound familiar? Grief sometimes hits hard. Sometimes I feel like I write the same thing over and over and over again, like a broken record.) It is Friday. Only four weeks and one day shy of a year since Bill went home and grief feels like a heavy winter cloak that I cannot take off. And it is the hottest most humid summer we have had in awhile. At least it feels that way. And sometimes I feel like I will suffocate with the emotions and the pain. I am thankful that it is not a constant 24/7 feeling-I thank You that I am not facing this alone-I thank You for peace in my soul-and times of rest for my mind and emotions-and for the strength You grant my spirit-and I run to You this morning and ask You to please just hold me. Let me hear Your heart beat."

There are three particular things I miss since Bill is not here: being held in a hug, feeling safe and comfortable to stand there as long as I want to; hearing a heart beat; holding hands.

I slipped out of my glider onto my knees beside my bed to pray and let the tears fall. Finished, I stood so I could sit back down in my chair. My heart racing, I grabbed my pen and journal to write:

"Your heart beat is love-redemption-reconciliation-forgiveness-mercy-grace-unity. As I wrote that I realized I hear and experience YOUR heart beat every day." Sweet assurance.

As I finished writing I thought about how presumptuous it sounded, to tell God what His heartbeat is, so I went back and inserted the word Is at the beginning, making the statement a question.

The day has progressed. It is early evening. Sarah and the girls helped me clean at church. "Prayer" is still written in Bill's handwriting on the whiteboard in the room he taught Sunday School in, a reminder of one thing that remains the same in my life. God is my constant companion through every single day and situation.  My world was turned upside down and inside out, but I heard God's heart beat this morning as He held me. I experience His love, protection and provision and watch care every day. And that is what really matters. 

"Rejoice always, 
pray continually, 
give thanks in all circumstances;
for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."
I Thessalonians 5:16-18