death changes life
As I sit here on the eve of my 38th wedding anniversary
and reflect over the last year
I know that everything in my life was affected by Bill's death.
Everything.
Plans.
Dreams.
Reality.
Everyday.
I have lived through the death of two babies, my father, father-in-law, grandparents, uncles, cousins and close friends. I grieved over those personal losses. Some longer than others. But none like this.
I have walked the road of grief alongside friends.
But not like I walk that road with friends who are grieving now.
I feel my loss every single day.
Every. Single. Day.
I don't always feel it the same way,
but there isn't a day that goes by that I do not think about Bill.
Many days I find myself thinking "I need to ask him about..." or
"If Bill was here we/he would ..." or
"I wish Bill was here to experience this with me" or
"I am thankful Bill is not here to go through this "or
"last year we were..." and
"today/next week/this year we would have been..." and occasionally
"we should be...".
My identity as a woman has to be reconfigured.
I am not a wife.
That was a huge definer/guide/boundary marker in my life.
My role as a mom has been affected.
The man I conceived and raised my children with,
the man I talked to about them,
dreamed dreams with for them
and prayed over them with is not here.
No one can take his place in that.
I am learning God is the "father to the fatherless".
My friendships have changed.
Some surprised me.
Some faded.
Some blossomed.
Some flourished.
My role as a representative and supporter of KCU has shifted.
I knew specific prayer needs. I knew board members names and faculty/staff changes. I knew I "belonged" because he belonged.
I have discovered I still belong. I am loved for myself. I have a different ministry than the ministry Bill had there.
My "place" at church has been altered.
Bill was an elder, a Sunday School teacher, a small group leader.
He knew the people much better than I do.
I don't have him to rely on.
I am cultivating my own friendships.
My relationship with God has changed.
Deepened. Grown richer, more intimate, more satisfying.
If I did not have that relationship with God,
life would not be worth the effort it takes to keep living it.
I do not know how people do it on their own.
and reflect over the last year
I know that everything in my life was affected by Bill's death.
Everything.
Plans.
Dreams.
Reality.
Everyday.
I have lived through the death of two babies, my father, father-in-law, grandparents, uncles, cousins and close friends. I grieved over those personal losses. Some longer than others. But none like this.
I have walked the road of grief alongside friends.
But not like I walk that road with friends who are grieving now.
I feel my loss every single day.
Every. Single. Day.
but there isn't a day that goes by that I do not think about Bill.
Many days I find myself thinking "I need to ask him about..." or
"If Bill was here we/he would ..." or
"I wish Bill was here to experience this with me" or
"I am thankful Bill is not here to go through this "or
"last year we were..." and
"today/next week/this year we would have been..." and occasionally
"we should be...".
My identity as a woman has to be reconfigured.
I am not a wife.
That was a huge definer/guide/boundary marker in my life.
My role as a mom has been affected.
The man I conceived and raised my children with,
the man I talked to about them,
dreamed dreams with for them
and prayed over them with is not here.
No one can take his place in that.
I am learning God is the "father to the fatherless".
My friendships have changed.
Some surprised me.
Some faded.
Some blossomed.
Some flourished.
My role as a representative and supporter of KCU has shifted.
I knew specific prayer needs. I knew board members names and faculty/staff changes. I knew I "belonged" because he belonged.
I have discovered I still belong. I am loved for myself. I have a different ministry than the ministry Bill had there.
My "place" at church has been altered.
Bill was an elder, a Sunday School teacher, a small group leader.
He knew the people much better than I do.
I don't have him to rely on.
I am cultivating my own friendships.
My relationship with God has changed.
Deepened. Grown richer, more intimate, more satisfying.
If I did not have that relationship with God,
life would not be worth the effort it takes to keep living it.
I do not know how people do it on their own.
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