"how r u honestly doing?"

I received this question from an out of town friend today.
I sent my reply immediately, 
and have thought about the question, and my answer, 
since I hit "send".
How am I HONESTLY doing?

Honestly?

I am grieving.
This loss is not something I will "get over".
It is part of the pattern woven into the fabric of my life.
It is something I am learning to LIVE with,
rather than ignoring, denying, minimizing or trying to hide my grief.

Honestly?
I have moments:
of overwhelming sadness
of intense pain
of unprovoked anger
of feeling sorry for myself 
of feeling sorry for others who loved Bill

Honestly?
I have interludes: 
of ugly crying
of mindlessly playing games to pass the time
of having to consciously push myself to "do the next thing"
of knowing that I am where I am supposed to be
of knowing I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing

Honestly?
I have joy unexplainable
I have hope that is unshakable
I have peace that passes understanding
I have a "knowing" that cannot be spoken
I have trust that the God who has called me to be His
will continue to equip me to walk this road until I reach home

My reply to "how r u honestly doing?"

"Grief is a long road. I am walking one step at a time,

 leaning on and falling more in love with God every day."