just breathe

Just breathe.
That is what I keep telling myself this evening.
Involuntary deep sighs, ones that start in my toes and work their way up to be slowly released from my aching chest began this afternoon. Thankfully the pain is easing.

Family and friends have texted me.
I have received messages on FB.
No phone calls has been good. 
Sometimes I just can't talk.
I know I have been covered in prayer.

When I got the mail this morning I saw a pink gift bag.
I was conflicted.
Did I want someone to remember my anniversary and leave a gift?
Or was I angry someone remembered it was my anniversary?
I cautiously opened it.
It was an unexpected gift from the mother of the bride I helped.
God knew when I would need to receive it.

I had Bible Study with two friends today.
We talked about Philippians, family, toothpaste, dogs, deodorant, vehicles, alarm systems and other important stuff.
We didn't talk about it being my anniversary.
But, if I had, they would have been okay with it.

I had two other friends ask to take me to dinner at 6 tonight.
Last night I told them "maybe."
As today progressed I thought
"Not only does that sound good, I am excited about it."
At 3:45 I was ready to call and confirm.
At 4:00 waves of tears and the ugly cry started.
I called at 5:15 and left a message I wouldn't be able to make it.
There was a lull at 8:45 so I called to explain what happened.
They want to take me a different night. 
Said that if I cry, it would be okay.
They will cry with me.
In public.
And I know they would.

I know that life is not "about me".
But sometimes,
for brief periods,
I need it to be about me.
I am thankful for the people in my life 
who love me enough to let it be "about me" 
long enough for me to get my footing. 

I know, without a doubt, I am loved.