back in the saddle

Sometimes the ride doesn't go the way we planned.

Sometimes we get thrown

and it hurts.

I think I have always wanted to teach. My plan was to be a Special Ed teacher. I graduated HS on my 18th birthday, June 9, 1977. I got married August 6 and started at Akron U in September. I attended classes for about 6 weeks and withdrew. My father-in-law and Bill's grandfather let him know they were not happy with my decision. They wanted him to change my mind. Bill asked me if I was sure I wanted to quit. I was overwhelmed. I told him "YES, I am done". 

Becoming an excellent teacher and learning to love Bill well were my priorities. If I continued school one or the other would be neglected. There simply were not enough hours in the day or energy in me to focus like I needed to. I couldn't juggle being a new wife, learning how to take care of a home and meet the demands of classes and homework. I could always go back to school. I would never get another chance to be Bill's wife. 

I have never regretted my decision. Ever. It was the right choice for me.

Some of you are able to balance all of that. You have my deep respect.

Time passed. Babies came. As we faced the prospect of enrolling our firstborn (twins) in school, Akron switched from half days to full days for kindergarten. We had considered home schooling and that pretty much decided it. I didn't want my babies in class all day. That choice led to years of home schooling. I didn't focus on academics as much as I could have, but we explored, learned where to look for answers, experimented, tinkered, enjoyed being outside and worked on how to develop and maintain healthy relationships. 

All along I have been a student of Christ. Sometimes I am a good student, open and eager to learn, willingly applying what I am taught, even when it is hard. Other times I have been more reluctant. I have even refused to do what I know I need to do. I took a few classes at KCC/KCU and enjoyed them because they taught me how to think, prepare and teach better.

Beginning in High school I have spent more years teaching than not teaching in the church we attend, from 2 and 3 year olds through adults and enjoy it immensely. There is something very satisfying about watching the face of a student when they "get it". What is even better is when you see your student share what they have learned with someone else.

Due to a series of unfortunate events it has been several years since I have taught. The time away started in 2012, the year from hell emotionally, mentally and hormonally. I was just beginning to teach again, a small group of girls from KCU in the spring of 2013 and was the victim of a car accident that left me with a fractured ankle, wrist and sternum. Bill died in 2014. 

Broken, over and over, I knew I didn't have anything to give as a teacher.

So I continued to sit as a student at Jesus' feet, pouring out my heart to Him, asking for wisdom and discernment, soaking up His love and healing, learning new lessons, putting into practice things I know in theory. Going deeper into what I know to be true. Being in His presence is a sweet place to be. He has been filling me up. Maturing me. Stretching me. Molding me. Pruning me. Refining me. Reminding me of things I once knew but had put aside, consciously or unconsciously, I am not sure. 

I realized last summer that I was missing teaching and the learning I get when I am preparing to teach. But I did not have the energy or drive to start a group.Toward fall a friend who took part in studies I facilitated on Wednesday nights approached me and another friend about the three of us getting together to study. This, I could do. I wouldn't be in charge. I would get the small group time and experience that I was thirsting for.

In December 2015 I began praying specifically, 
"Lord, what is my ministry? What do You have for me to do?"
A gentle but persistent whisper,
"Use your gift. Keep studying, but don't keep it in. Teach. Share."
Hesitant. Scared. Doubt filled.
"What if I cry? What if I _________" the endless list of what ifs.
I kept praying. 

A few weeks ago Ruth said "mom, what do you think about doing a Bible study at the house on Wednesdays. I want to learn how to study myself and I know a couple other girls who want to." I was embarrassed. I thought I had taught her to study when she was home. After I put my pride aside I saw her request as an answer to my prayer. I said yes. Then began to doubt. 

Two weeks ago we were supposed to meet. I woke up anxious. "What in the world I was thinking when I agreed to do this? I am not ready!" I told Ruth, "to be honest, I would not be broken hearted if we can't meet tonight." Something happened and we were not able to meet. After a huge sigh of relief I felt like I had dodged a bullet. I also felt guilty for being glad study was cancelled. 

Last week I was a little less anxious, but not exactly eager to meet. Snow kept us from being able to get together. Again, I felt relieved and guilt, mostly because I had not prepared to teach.

This morning dawned bright and clear. I knew we would meet tonight. As I prayed and read my Bible to start my day, it became exceedingly clear that what I thought we were going to do the first night was not what we would be doing. The portion of Scripture I read seemingly outlined itself for tonight's study. (The Holy Spirit was at work.) As the day wore on I felt some anxiety, but I felt more the spark of excitement and energy that comes when I teach.

It is post study. I am looking forward with great anticipation to next week and the weeks after that. Studying the Bible with this group is going to rock!

"Jesus said to them, 

'I am the Bread of Life; 

whoever comes to Me shall not hunger, 

and whoever believes in Me shall never thirst.' "

John 6:35

"Your words were found, and I ate them,

    and Your words became to me a joy

    and the delight of my heart,

for I am called by Your name,

    O Lord, God of hosts."

Jeremiah 15:16

"but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, 

always being prepared to make a defense to anyone 

who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; ..."

1 Peter 3:15