perseverance

last evening I had "that" feeling-
the one I dread because I know it will never be-
I had a few moments when I fully expected to see Bill come around the corner
it was an expectation that was exciting, 
made my heart race in a good way 
for the moments it lasted,
but quickly led to deep loneliness as reality smacked me in the face

I didn't sleep well and when I woke up it was from a dream Bill was in
We were in the kitchen 
I was trying to be patient as I looked from him to the wall,
explaining that we could not cover the wall in calendars,
he was going to have to narrow down his choices.
(there was a line of various sizes from one end of the wall to the other 
and he had started a second layer!)
I told him he could keep one of the four large ones...
and I woke up, loneliness striking fiercely again

I should have expected an attack-
historically, every time I take a strong stand for the Lord
(or am preparing to)
the enemy, Satan, fights hard to knock me down
and yesterday I was pretty adamant about proclaiming
God is good, all the time and all the time, God is good
I heard the whispers-
"Do you really believe He is good? 
If He is good, why did He take Bill?
If He is good, why are you feeling lonely?
If He is good, shouldn't His love be enough to keep you from hurting?"

I am thankful for God's faithfulness in the past
and for the Truth's that He continues to patiently teach me
day by day revealing more of Himself as I seek hard after Him
He has taught me to choose to live by His Truth 
not basing my choices or self worth on my feelings
Truth never changes and makes a great foundation to stand on
Feelings are fickle and about as reliable as shifting sand

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, 
when you encounter various trials, 
knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 
And let endurance have its perfect result, 
so that you may be perfect and complete, 
lacking in nothing."

James 1:2-4