celebrating the 4th

watching fireworks from the back porch

as people from the streets behind us let them off

is something Bill would do for me 

because he loved me

he liked to be in the thick of a large crowd watching them

and sometimes we would join church family celebrations

but he knew I did not enjoy "going" to watch-

too many people

too exhausting to keep track of the kids when they were little

too noisy for some of their sensitive ears

too much traffic to maneuver afterward

as I sit here, 

darkness beginning to fall,

following an afternoon of missing Bill terribly

which led to a trip to Grayson Lake where I cried in the car as it rained 

and after my first 2+ mile walk with Sam

fireflies are lighting the backyard,

the kids are playing a board game at the table

and the neighbors have started their celebration

the fireworks are bigger,

more beautiful than they have ever been-

or maybe I simply appreciate them more because of the memories they bring 

a sweet peace floods my soul tonight

it is fed by

allowing myself to mourn when I need to

laughing when I can

acknowledging what I have lost

focusing on what I still have

appreciating possibilities 

enjoying time with family and friends

watching colors explode and hearing the boom, the fizzle, the whistle

and knowing that as beautiful as this life is, 

what Bill is experiencing is so much better