camp triggers

an aerial view of RLCA

it is so random,
this thing called grief
the triggers are elusive

going to camp to teach

driving up
thinking about the number of trips I have made
sometimes by myself,
most often with a few of my kids 
and how hard it was to go, 
especially the last few years,
because Bill so badly wanted to go with me and his job prevented it

pulling into camp
feeling sorrow that Bill never got to go
and relief that I wouldn't have to fight memories of being there with him
but wishing I did have memories with him there,
knowing that we were finally at a time we could and would have gone 

seeing Dean Greg
who just happens to be one of Bill's brothers
getting a hug from him
the same thing going through both of our minds
see above for details, it was something we had all talked about

sitting in mail madness 
(the time mail is delivered to the campers)
I found myself transported back to when I was there with our kids
and they waited, hoping for mail,
me feeling like a bad mom because more often than not
I was so focused on getting ready to go I would neglect sending mail for them
but most of the time,
come Thursday or Friday,
an envelope from their daddy would arrive with a dollar or two for Canteen
and there would be one for me as well
so there I sat this last week,
knowing I would not be getting anything from him
secretly, deeply, wishing I was...

going up to the dorm at the end of every day
remembering back to when I had to enter about 30 numbers in the pay phone
every night to call long distance home, 
twice if I had to call the office,
hoping I had timed it right because Bill would be busy with the audit
and if I happened to push a wrong number-
well, too bad for me, because I had to hang up and start the 30 numbers again

one night this year I lay in my bed crying quietly after lights out

heart breaking because I couldn't share the day with him

having a gentleman ask me one day this week as I passed him
sitting at a picnic table amongst a group of campers and staff,
"how are you doing?"
"how long has it been?"
telling me "I know you know he is in a better place",
and never really giving me time to answer as he continued talking
I am not really sure what else he had to say
because to be quite honest- 
I quit listening

not writing my blog Thursday night
because sometimes I feel like all I write is the same thing,
over and over and over again

leaving camp
the decision to go to Beth's, not Grayson, was all mine
feelings of relief
guilt over the relief
knowing if Bill was here I would have driven to Grayson Friday
and we probably would have just waited there  
until Deborah and David came home Sunday

seeing Deborah, David, Abigail and Selah when I got to Cincinnati
meeting Gabriel
wishing Bill was beside me

I continue walking
one step at a time
holding onto life and love
thankful for the people that fill my life
holding onto belief and confidence that God's plan is perfect