wrestling with freedom

part of my struggle with where I am in life 

is wrestling with not feeling guilty
about things I am "free" to do

it is odd to be able to make plans and decisions
without looking at anyone else's schedule 
or tempering my choices with their needs and preferences 

if I want to change something at the house
I can, 
to suit my tastes

if I want to purchase something
I can, 
if it is in my budget

if I want to pay the water bill the day it comes in
I can write a check
and take it to the city building

if I want to stay home 
I can stay and do or not do 
as it suits me

if I want to travel
I can make arrangements 
and go when it works best for me

if I decide to extend my stay,
I can,
because my family has all moved on

this is both freeing and frightening
freeing because of the flexibility it offers
frightening because this "freedom*" holds a very different responsibility 

guilt and doubts creep in when my mind says
"if Bill was here..."
I am learning to banish them by firmly saying, 
"but he isn't..."
and because Bill is in heaven instead of by my side, 
my ministry choices, 
along with the endless everyday, sometimes mundane choices,
opens a whole new world 
of sometimes dizzying decision making

that is why part of my struggle with where I am in life 

is wrestling with not feeling guilty
about things I am now "free" to do 

*as a believer in Christ
freedom is not a license to do anything I want to do
rather it is a responsibility to look for opportunities to serve 

"Live as people who are free, 

not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, 

but living as servants of God. " 

2 Peter 2:16