practicing weeping and washing

"Then Joseph hurried out, 

for his compassion grew warm for his brother, 

and he sought a place to weep. 

And he entered his chamber and wept there. 

Then he washed his face and came out. 

And controlling himself he said, 'Serve the food.'"

Genesis 43:30-31

I am reading through Genesis. I am in the middle of the story of Joseph. This morning I read chapter 43. These two verses struck a chord. There are times when emotion washes over us. We need to hurry out to seek a private place to weep. But there comes a time, when the weeping ends, to get up, wash our face and get back to work. Sometimes, after the tears have fallen, what we have to do is easy. However, there are also times when it takes more effort to control ourselves. Recently I have had opportunities to practice it all.

it has been awhile since grief has hit me with an ongoing vengeance

it has been building and executing all out frontal attacks this week

I had somehow forgotten

the energy it takes to allow sadness to work its way from the inside out

how tired, no, how bone weary it can make you

how crying can make your eyes feel like they have sand in them

how stuffy your nose can get from crying

how quickly a pounding headache can build when you try not to cry

how vulnerable grief can make you feel

this weekend has reminded me of some things

• soft, thick kleenex are worth their weight in gold
• being surrounded by people you love makes you stronger
• sometimes there is no stopping the tears
• tears are not the enemy
• tears are not a sign of weakness
• crying in public is not lethal
• I am not the only one grieving Bill's death
• our kids are my greatest earthly treasure
• knowing we are carried in prayer is a powerful part of healing

this evening I watched the youtube video of Bill's funeral

it was a difficult but beautiful thing to re-experience

as I watched I was overwhelmed with thanksgiving 

• for the 37 years and 23 days I was his wife
• for the family that is mine because I married him
• for the children God knitted together in my womb 
• for the children that are ours through relationships built at KCC/KCU
• for the friends that filled the chapel 
• for the legacy he left
• for the celebration we could have of Bill's life, not because he was a good man, but because he loved and served a good God
• for the hope and peace and joy that are mine in Christ