death changes life

oh, those Facebook memories...

today they work with thoughts that are tumbling

so this post is going to be a "hodge-podge"

there was another storm last night

but this one was not at sea,

it was here

on the beach

up close and personal

I did not stay up and watch it like I did the night before

but when I got up this morning and went out to the balcony

I could definitely see how it left its mark

the shoreline is altered

the small "puddle" of water that has been constant

is now a small part of a much larger puddle

one that just barely misses joining 

a new carved out area

that small, almost black spot
has been here since we arrived
now it stretches to left as far as the darker sand to the left and right

this is to left of the first photo
usually there are not layers of color
today we have "dry" sand
a new, carved out place holding water
a sand bar and then waves

as I sat enjoying my breakfast I thought about how different it is

to watch a storm, 

a huge storm, 

in a safe place, 

at a distance

from that perspective it is easy to see the beauty

to appreciate the raw power

to sing praises

to acknowledge that God is good 

and to be thankful 

on the other hand

to be in the midst of a huge storm

to feel the rain pelting you without mercy

to watch things slip away and change

makes a completely different story

the first thing on my FB memories was my blog post from a year ago

I braved the memories

and went back to read it

and after reading I say amen

I almost simply re-used it instead of writing anything new 

death changes life

As I sit here on the eve of my 38th wedding anniversary 
and reflect over the last year 
I know that everything in my life was affected by Bill's death.

Everything.

Plans.

Dreams.

Reality.

Everyday.

I have lived through the death of two babies, my father, father-in-law, grandparents, uncles, cousins and close friends. I grieved over those personal losses. Some longer than others. But none like this.

I have walked the road of grief alongside friends. 
But not like I walk that road with friends who are grieving now.

I feel my loss every single day. 
Every. Single. Day.

I don't always feel it the same way, 
but there isn't a day that goes by that I do not think about Bill...

My identity as a woman has to be reconfigured...

My role as a mom has been affected...

My friendships have changed...

My relationship with God has changed. 
Deepened. Grown richer, more intimate, more satisfying. 
If I did not have that relationship with God, 
life would not be worth the effort it takes to keep living it.
I do not know how people do it on their own.

My second memory was a post Sarah made 3 years ago...

Blessed to have my parents Bill Bondurant & Donnette Bondurant celebrating their 36th anniversary today!!! Here's a picture of the legacy they've started. Oh happy day!

storms

change 

lives

I am convinced though

that God is good

all the time

and all the time

God is good

especially in the midst of the storms