I wasn't finished

today I went back and read the post I wrote two years ago

I have tweaked it a bit this afternoon,

but I find it is as true today as it was then...

I wasn't finished

When Beth, Sarah and Deborah were little, the four of us went on a lunch date after visiting Bill. Halfway through the meal the twins had to go to the bathroom and Deborah needed a diaper change. I gathered my diaper bag and children, assuring the girls they could finish their meal after they went potty,and made the trek to the restroom.
When we got back our food was gone and the table was cleared.
"Mommy, I wasn't finished" were the first words I heard from my girls. 

Even though we had not paid for our meal, and their plates were more than half full, someone thought we were done. The manager took into account what was a reasonable amount of time to take two toddlers to the bathroom, change a diaper, wash hands and make it back to your table. They brought more drinks and food.

I don't remember which relative we were visiting, but I do remember Bill leaning over and whispering in my ear, "Don't let go of your plate until you are done or she will take it." The hostess had a habit of clearing the dishes when she thought you were finished. 

August 29, 2014 I was not finished.

I was not finished healing from the meniscus surgery I had August 20. I was not driving, 

I was just a few days past the point of needing prescription pain meds.

I was not finished processing that Bill was not dealing with kidney stones.

I was not finished waiting on the GI specialist to come to the hospital room to talk to us.

I was not finished with Labor Day plans-figuring out what we would do if Bill was still in the hospital, because less than 24 hours in he was already going stir crazy.

I was not finished making plans for our unheard of second beach vacation in a year. 

this isn't the best picture,
it was taken with my old phone
it isn't even my favorite,
except that it was taken at the beach May 17, 2014
and it is probably the last one taken of us

I was not finished celebrating birthdays or wedding anniversaries. Bill turned 60 July 21, 2014. We celebrated 37 years of marriage August 6. Since his grandparents had lived into their late 80's and 90's, surely he had at least 25- 30 years left which meant we would easily celebrate our 50th anniversary and more than likely our 60th or more. 

We had plans-
to travel and represent KCU together,
to visit our out of town children more often,
to make a trip to Siberia together to see Deborah and David,
to work a week of camp at RLCA together,
to visit Costa Rica with Andrew & Bre,
God had other plans.

"The heart of man plans his way,

    but the Lord establishes his steps."

Proverbs 16:9

I was not finished planning and living life with the man I loved.

And though the rug was pulled out from beneath my feet,
and though I grieve, 
I stand in the assurance that God is in control.

He has a plan, 

an eternal plan that He is working.

I don't have to pretend to be happy.
I don't have to understand this new (to me) plan.
I don't have to like the pain and changes his death have brought to my life.

Bill can say
"I have fought the good fight, 
I have finished the race, 
I have kept the faith."

He has heard "Well done, good and faithful servant."
I am still fighting the good fight.
I am not finished with the race.
I will keep the faith.

I trust that the Lord will continue to give me what I need.
I trust that the Lord will continue to establish my steps. 
One step at a time.