sometimes you have to let it go...

today I did something for the first time,
something that made me think of Bill
something that made me want to be able to apologize to him
for something that happened maybe 35 years ago,
it's funny how some things stick with you like they just happened yesterday

one day, back when I was a kid 
this is the way Andrew insists all good stories begin
I was home alone after dark with the twins when they were babies
Bill was towing cars for his dad
and I saw something in my home that frightened me 
I took it as a threat to the well being of me and my children
the girls were, thankfully already in bed 
when Bill walked in the door
it was to find me, knees drawn to my chest, sitting on a dining room chair
and I greeted him loudly with:
"you have to get it!"
"get what?"
"the mouse!"
"what mouse?"
"the mouse that is running loose in our house"

and though he was tired from working 10-12 hours,
the search began
and my protective, warrior husband soon had said critter trapped
under a trash can
I asked him what he planned to do with it now that he had caught it
"let it go outside"
as he prepared to exit our home I told him to kill it
he said "no, I will just let it go"
I said, "run it over with the tow truck"
he laughed
I said, "I am not kidding. If you don't, you are not coming back in this house."
he walked out the door, 
I heard the tow truck move
I was a happy camper

fast forward to today
I came downstairs this morning,
Ruth and the children were here so she could do laundry
"mom, I think there is a mouse under the kitchen cupboard"
"why do you think that?"
"I heard it squeaking"
I had not yet had breakfast
I did not want dealing with a dying mouse to be my first order of business
so I made breakfast and told her
"after I drink my coffee, I will adult up and get the mouse"
except, I didn't want to
so I didn't
but every time I ran water in the sink
I could hear it moving

Ruth took the kids home to have lunch with Kyle
I decided I had procrastinated long enough
so I began to take things from under the cupboard
and saw the trap sideways near the back left corner
as I reached for it
it moved
so I knew the mouse was still alive
gulp
I reached in and grabbed the trap
and there was resistance
the mouse was trying to escape back through the hole it had entered in
I found the long tongs David had used to dispose of a mouse
and used them to grab the trap
watching that little mouse try to escape
was like watching someone running through air
I kept praying it didn't get loose as I was carrying it

I needed some muscle to take care of this threat
I looked to see if the guy next door was in
he wasn't
I couldn't just throw it in the trashcan
I couldn't put it in a Ziploc and suffocate it
I couldn't take it outside and stomp on it
I couldn't let it loose in the back yard with Sam
I couldn't kill it

so I walked down the porch steps to the side yard
put the trap in the grass
watched the mouse continue to try to escape
stepped on the trap to release the mouse
and watched it run under my neighbor's house
which was NOT what I intended
but I didn't feel too bad because they are exterminators
and I figured as soon as she came back from lunch I'd go talk to her
as I was doing all of this
I kept thinking about Bill and the live mouse he caught
I thought about what I demanded he do
and that is what I wanted to apologize for...
I think he probably let it go,
I hope he did if the thought of killing it bothered him like it did me today

when I saw her come back to the office
I quickly walked over to tell her what had happened
she laughed 
she said the cats that hang out over there would take care of it
and if they didn't, 
her husband would
she also told me to call her if I ever need help 
and she will send him over 
that's my kind of woman