piles and stacks

yesterday my flooring project head guy called 
"how's your painting coming along?"
he knew my goal was to get it all done before the floor was laid
I told him my plan for the day was to edge the last ceiling
"Well, it sounds like you are waiting on us. 
If it is okay with you, 
I am going to call about setting a time to get the hardwood delivered." 

I was excited 
I have been working since mid November for this to become reality
I told him that sounded good to me
within minutes he called back-
they were able to deliver this morning!

it feels wonderful to know that my part of this total project is almost done-
I have about 15 square feet of tile and backer board to tear up
a few places to touch up with paint
and maybe paint the door casings
I breathed a sigh of relief

yet,
at the same time,
I felt a clawing at my chest begin
"this is about to get real"
and though it is what I want
and it is what I have worked and planned for
doubt keeps niggling

it's too late to turn back now...

this morning
I watched two men carry in 2,300 square feet of hardwood flooring
92 sixty pound boxes
one box at a time, 
beginning with toting half upstairs

as I watched them make trip after trip past me
a familiar enemy began attacking
stacking nameless doubt upon unidentified piles of dread

when I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin and run without stopping
I knew it was time to call in reinforcements
I texted my kids and asked them to pray
they replied they would
and slowly but surely, 
as their prayers were lifted up,
piled one on top of the other,
even though hardwood kept getting stacked in different areas
I began to feel more calm

I am sure the fight is not over
they recommend that you allow hardwood to acclimate for about a week 
then begin installing it
plenty of time for me to look at the 9 or 10 places the boxes are distributed
and wonder, "what was I thinking????"

 

these are the upstairs piles/stacks
there are also 5 stacks downstairs
so there are 11, not 9/10






a lot of life changes have stacked up in the last few years
my kids are all married now
(3 within 8 months, Dec. 29, 2012, Jan. 12, 2013 and August 24, 2013
I asked them if they were trying to kill me 😅)
I am a widow (August 29, 2014)
several of the children and their families have moved
one family more than once

today as I was looking at the change the painting has made
I thought-
my house looks not only different, 
but unfamiliar,
and when the flooring is finished it will be like I moved
without needing to pack a truck
and while that is exciting, it is also unsettling

tonight I am thinking offensively and calling for reinforcements
I am asking that if you think of me,
please, pile on the prayers for me 
just stack them up,
that I will have a calm spirit