project tears
last week I finished painting and doing work I need to do upstairs
that leaves downstairs for this week and next
this is one wall in my family room
it does not have leprosy
those are new nail holes since I last painted about 5 years ago
this whole house project began because I needed new flooring
badly
for several years Bill had asked me about replacing the carpet
but I wanted to wait, I don't remember why
one day last summer or fall I looked, really looked at it
and thought "this has to go"
things kind of snowballed from there
new flooring
led to painting ceilings and walls first
because, well, new flooring
that led to new baseboards, stained, not painted
because well, new paint and new hardwood flooring
and I decided to replace the couches Bill and I bought a month before he died
because, well my excuses were:
they aren't really comfortable and my back hurts when I sit on them
but actually,
new flooring and all that I had added to make this a project factored in
well, there is one other thing
sometimes,
recently more often,
when I look at them
I see Bill sitting on one end,
reclined, trying to find rest his last three days home
and I want to be done with that vision
Tuesday afternoon I looked at Ruth and confessed something.
"I am scared"
"why?"
"what if I don't like it when it is done?"
"mom, you are going to like it, a lot"
Monday night I was restless
I could not get settled
my resting heart beat was mid to upper 70's
normally it is low 60's
Tuesday anxiety was trying to claw its way into my chest
I could feel it,
like a mad, wet cat lashing out
it was also doing it's best to weigh me down
like cement blocks had been tied to my limbs
this project races through my head
decisions are doubted,
dollar figures are contemplated
as I sat mindlessly playing games because I could not sleep Tuesday night
it dawned on me what was going on
and the ugly cry ensued
I am grieving anew during this project
I am able to do it
because Bill planned and provided well for me
when I contacted my investments guy about getting money to fund it
he assured me it would be no problem
when I e-mailed him the figure the other day
and told him I was nervous because of the amount of money I am spending
part of his reply was:
"Bill set aside this money so you could live comfortably..."
I talked to Ruth about it Wednesday
and the tears came again as I told her
I'd gladly do without all of this if it meant her daddy was still here
that leaves downstairs for this week and next
this is one wall in my family room
it does not have leprosy
those are new nail holes since I last painted about 5 years ago
this whole house project began because I needed new flooring
badly
for several years Bill had asked me about replacing the carpet
but I wanted to wait, I don't remember why
one day last summer or fall I looked, really looked at it
and thought "this has to go"
things kind of snowballed from there
new flooring
led to painting ceilings and walls first
because, well, new flooring
that led to new baseboards, stained, not painted
because well, new paint and new hardwood flooring
and I decided to replace the couches Bill and I bought a month before he died
because, well my excuses were:
they aren't really comfortable and my back hurts when I sit on them
but actually,
new flooring and all that I had added to make this a project factored in
well, there is one other thing
sometimes,
recently more often,
when I look at them
I see Bill sitting on one end,
reclined, trying to find rest his last three days home
and I want to be done with that vision
Tuesday afternoon I looked at Ruth and confessed something.
"I am scared"
"why?"
"what if I don't like it when it is done?"
"mom, you are going to like it, a lot"
Monday night I was restless
I could not get settled
my resting heart beat was mid to upper 70's
normally it is low 60's
Tuesday anxiety was trying to claw its way into my chest
I could feel it,
like a mad, wet cat lashing out
it was also doing it's best to weigh me down
like cement blocks had been tied to my limbs
this project races through my head
decisions are doubted,
dollar figures are contemplated
as I sat mindlessly playing games because I could not sleep Tuesday night
it dawned on me what was going on
and the ugly cry ensued
I am grieving anew during this project
I am able to do it
because Bill planned and provided well for me
when I contacted my investments guy about getting money to fund it
he assured me it would be no problem
when I e-mailed him the figure the other day
and told him I was nervous because of the amount of money I am spending
part of his reply was:
"Bill set aside this money so you could live comfortably..."
I talked to Ruth about it Wednesday
and the tears came again as I told her
I'd gladly do without all of this if it meant her daddy was still here
I can relate to this on so many levels with my own home improvement projects. I have literally stalled on my basement remodel. I just can't motivate myself at this point. I doubt myself whether I'm doing the right thing or not. The this week I decided to downsize from 2 vehicles to a new one. It is always what my husband told me to do if something ever happened to him. It has taken me almost a year, but I am finally doing it. My daughter is expecting a baby the end of March and it was my plan to have all my projects complete, but I am struggling!! At least you keep reminding me that this is ok. Thank you again for sharing your story and your struggles. You give me hope that one day, I will be ok. God bless you as you continue your project.!!!
ReplyDeletewe do what we can when we can <3 I have a grandbaby coming in the middle of March!
ReplyDelete