Big Time Wrestling

          this is a perfect picture of what my mind feels like

walking is exercise

for my mind

my body

my soul

my heart

Earlier this week, as I was struggling to find the willpower to put on my shoes, it hit me full force that sometimes the thing you least want to do is the very thing you most need to do. Committing, to myself, to get out for at least 30 minutes a day is strengthening me mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Yesterday I realized that one reason I am so tired after I walk is because often, while I am putting one foot in front of the other, though no one on the outside can see it, I am enmeshed in an intense mental wrestling match. Sometimes it is nothing more than inconsequential decisions like whether to go to Walmart or Dollar Tree and Ralph's. Sometimes it is praying fervently for whoever God places on my mind. Often it is ongoing supplication for friends and family or a struggle with submitting my will to His.

Last fall I prayed for wisdom and discernment about an opportunity, sometimes more than once a day, for several weeks. I thought I'd clearly been given the green light to proceed. Further investigation revealed that the brakes needed to be applied immediately. The plans I was making needed to come to a screeching halt. 

I began praying one of the hardest prayers I've ever had to pray. On repeat, with a pure heart. Selflessly. Turns out my spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak. Having God answer my specific prayer, one I could pray wholeheartedly knowing if answered would bring Him glory and honor and praise, is harder to accept than it being unanswered would have been. A portion of my heart is rebelling. So the next few weeks, if you see me walking and you wave but I ignore you-please don't take it personally. I didn't see you. I'm wrestling. Big time.